


Dirt

by xephyr



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-21 11:44:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3691026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xephyr/pseuds/xephyr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was 1996. Magnus Hammersmith's life was a fucking mess and it was only going to get worse. He shouldn't have kept Skwisgaar around, but he did. He was going to let him go eventually, he told himself. Just not yet.<br/>Somewhat of a sequel to "I Hate You".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning, there's porn in this chapter. The rest will all be fairly safe for work.

He honestly thought this would have only happened once. After the first time they fucked, he thought was would that be it. Yeah, it was fun at the time, but Magnus never expected this to become a regular thing. Once turned into twice, then eventually five times, and now he had actually lost count.

The most fucked up thing was that he didn’t mind it.

It was becoming a pattern. On Thursdays between four and seven they were usually always alone because of how everyone's work schedules lined up, and they almost always used it the same way. Magnus /used/ to use this time to just fucking relax or work on a new song, but Skwisgaar always had other plans. Not like he tried to turn him down, either. Skwisgaar was a better lay than he'd ever really admit.

However, today he was fucking tired and his bed was so goddamn soft. Well, usually it wasn't and his back hurt like all hell when he woke up, but when you had been working twelve hour shifts for the past three days in a row, a fucking slab of concrete would be inviting. He was almost about to drift off when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Jesus _fuck_ , dude, I'm trying take a goddamn nap."

Skwisgaar laughed and laid down behind him, fitting himself against his back as best he could on the small bed. "Maybe I wants to naps with yous."

Magnus could feel the stiffness in his jeans against his ass as Skwisgaar pressed his lips against his neck. "Yeah, no you don't."

"I saids 'maybe'."

Magnus groaned in annoyance as Skwisgaar kissed up the back of his neck and reached around to slide his hand down Magnus' pants. Magnus batted his hand away and turned around so he was facing him.

"I fucking hate you sometimes." He told him as he tiredly glared at him. Skwisgaar, of course, had that insufferable smirk upon his face.

"Whens don'ts you hates me?"

"I'm not gonna do this in a second if you keep talking."

That stopped him, at least. It's not like he'd been talking a lot, but Magnus just didn't want to hear his stupid accent. That, and he was fucking annoyed that he was woken up.

"All you're getting is a handjob, by the way. You can probably do this by yourself next time."

He was relieved when Skwisgaar actually listened to him and didn't give him some stupid-ass sarcastic reply. When he reached down Skwisgaar's pants and got a hold of his dick he was already semi-hard, and he didn't understand why. Was he really getting excited over shitty handjobs in the middle of the afternoon? How fucking boring was his life?

Skwisgaar stopped him when he started to establish a lazy rhythm. "No, no," He said. "Not that kinds. I wants the, uh... that ones where you haves both."

"What the actual fuck are you talking about?"

"I don'ts knowing what it's called. The kinds where you grabs both dicks? Jacks them off at sames time?"

Magnus sighed and rolled his eyes. He didn't know why he ever agreed to fucking around with Skwisgaar in the first place. Like, ever. At least now he knew what he was talking about. He wasn't really in the mood, but he figured he'd get there eventually.

"Fuck, you're stupid."

"Looks, I'm not an experts at fuckings guys, alrights? I don'ts knows all these specials words for gay jackings off."

"I swear to god, I'm kicking you out of my bed if I hear you say one more thing."

He pulled his own dick out of his pants and gripped both of them in his big hand, listening to Skwisgaar sigh contentedly at the contact. He was easy to please, at least. Maybe this would be over soon and he could go back to sleep. Skwisgaar got as close as he could, wedging a leg between his. It wasn't exciting, but it wasn't bad, either. He was annoyed he had to do all the work but if he really didn't want to do this, he would have just sent him away when he first came in.

It had been a couple minutes of mostly silence before Skwisgaar spoke up again. "Kinds of weirds, ja?"

"You're the one who fucking asked for this specifically."

"No, nots _that_. I means, we hates eachothers, ja? Ams just weirds that we keeps doing this. Ams nots complainings."

Magnus didn't know why he was bringing this up. Especially now. He picked up the pace, hoping Skwisgaar would finish sooner. His wrist was starting to cramp.

"Just don't worry about it."

To tell the truth, Magnus tried not to think about why this kept happening. He especially didn't think about why he never tried to stop it.  In fact, he was the one who instigated it a lot of the time.

He was coming dangerously close to thinking about it, and he stopped himself. He just focused on getting Skwisgaar off. He had to be close, he figured. Skwisgaar's breathing was getting ragged, and he could feel his hot breath on his neck.

"You almost done?"

He took a second to answer. "Ja, just... keeps going. Almosts."

Magnus complied, and a few moments later Skwisgaar's hand was around his own and he came with a choked gasp. On his fucking sheets. Not like it had anywhere else to go, but god fucking damnit. Skwisgaar just laid there for a while, basking in the afterglow, and Magnus found himself not pushing him away.

"Sorries, didn't means to get it all overs."

"Just wipe it off." Magnus told him. He was starting to drift off again. He hadn't even come close to finishing, but he didn't feel like it, either. He wasn't even really paying attention when Skwisgaar came back with a rag.

He was asleep before he really knew it.

  
At the time, he had no idea how fucked up things were about to get.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is having a bad time.

"None of you guys would fuck anyone in the band, right?" Nathan asked suddenly.

That came out of left fucking field. All of the guys were sitting on or around the couch watching some stupid show on their tiny ass TV. Magnus wasn't really paying attention because he could hardly see it, and he ignored for the millionth time the idea that he might need glasses.

"Thatsch gay!" Came Murderface, predictably.

Magnus looked over at Nathan and saw him looking right at him. Shit. He couldn't know, could he? Magnus didn't allow himself to react. He was good at that. Nathan continued watching him, apparently waiting for an answer. Magnus didn't give him one.

"I mean, it would be really fucking stupid if two of you were fucking around in my room when we had a house party last week, right?"

God fucking dammit. His breath caught in his throat. How the fuck could he know? To be fair, Skwisgaar had never exactly been subtle, and at the time Magnus was too drunk to really notice how loud he was. He had thought-- stupidly, in retrospect-- that no one would have heard them. Obviously, he had been wrong. And obviously, it had been a stupid decision to fuck around in Nathan’s room.

Now, of course, Skwisgaar stayed silent like a fucking asshole and Nathan kept looking at Magnus, waiting for him to try and defend himself.

"Why the fuck do you think it was me?!" He snapped. He wasn't letting Nathan try and intimidate him into a corner. He wasn't going to keep letting him do this to him.

"I know it was you. Why are you fucking Skwisgaar?" Everyone was looking at him now and he could feel the blood rushing to his ears.

"Why does you thinks it ams me?" Skwisgaar asked, his voice like a million octaves higher than normal.

Nathan didn't even acknowledge it. He still sat, waiting for Magnus to answer. The TV was largely forgotten as everyone was turned towards Magnus and Nathan having a staring match.

"I don't know what the fuck you want me to say, then. You obviously know about it, so I can't deny it." He didn't want to play this game.

Nathan stood up suddenly to his full height, anger evident in his features. "Because it was really fucking stupid to do that shit in my room! And what happens when you guys break up and you can't even play together?"

"We're not dating, you idiot."

Nathan pulled him up to his feet by the collar of his jacket, inches away from his face. "Call me an idiot again."

"Hey, hey, hey, come on, guys." Pickles stood up, somewhat unsteadily, and tried to pull Nathan back. "Why can't we jest... Get along? Ya know? Have a good time. It doesn't matter if they're fuckin', right? I mean, I'd fuck Skwisgaar, probably."

"Thanks you, Pickle."

Magnus used the distraction to pull free of Nathan's grip, glaring at him. "I don't fucking need this."

"Then get out." Magnus noticed then how big Nathan's arms were. He could really beat the shit out of him if he wanted to, and it looked like he wanted to.

"Nathans..."

Both of them ignored him and Magnus made a frustrated sound, turning and heading for the door. It was nearly winter and it was cold as shit outside and he only had his thin jacket on, but at the moment he didn't care. He'd thrown the door open and stormed down the steps, and before he was halfway down he could hear the door being locked.

\--

By the time he had grudgingly come back hours later, he was freezing cold and tired. He didn't have his wallet or his keys with him, which was poor planning on his part, but it was hard to plan things when you were fucking mad as hell. He had just walked around angrily and he kind of wanted to sleep in his own bed tonight, but he knew he probably wouldn't be able to. He was shivering and he couldn't really stop himself.

He tried the door and was surprised to find it was unlocked. He opened it as quietly as he could and was relieved to see no one was in the living room. Well, Pickles was passed out on the couch with the TV still on, but he wasn't going to wake up any time soon, he figured. He made his way to his room and once he got in, he got in his bed and pulled the covers around himself tightly, not even bothering to take off his shoes. He was so fucking cold.

"Magnus?"

Fucking great. Why was Skwisgaar awake? "What?" He snapped.

Skwisgaar was silent for a while, and Magnus assumed he went to sleep. But then he heard him. "I'm sorries."

He didn't have anything to say to him, so he didn't respond. He didn't want to deal with it anymore. Instead, he closed his eyes and went to sleep, hoping he wouldn't fucking freeze to death during the night.


	3. Chapter 3

He could hear them from out here on their shitty porch. Well, he could hear Murderface and Pickles, mostly. He couldn't make out exactly what they were saying because he wasn't really listening. He didn't need to. It was obvious that they were discussing kicking him out of the band and the apartment. He lifted the cigarette back up to his lips with a shaky hand and took another long drag as he looked out into the night. All he could taste was smoke and blood.

He didn't regret it. Maybe he should, considering how badly things had went directly after burying his knife to the hilt in Nathan's shoulder blade, but he didn't. He wasn't even stressed about having nowhere else to stay but maybe it hadn't fully hit him yet that he was going to be homeless. The only things that felt real to him at this moment was the smoke filling his lungs and the throbbing in his eye.

He barely felt the hand on his shoulder. Ordinarily he would have tensed up and shaken it off, but he didn't even react. He knew it was Skwisgaar. It wouldn't be anyone else. He wondered how long he had been standing there.

"Hey," was all he said.

"Just don't."

Then he heard them again.

"--can't jest pull it out. Could be stuck in an artery or somethin'."

"There aren't any arteriesh in your back, shtupid."

"Yeah there fuckin' are, moron. Where d'ya think--"

Magnus tried to tune them out once more.  He didn't want to hear anything. He didn't want to listen. His cigarette had burned down to the filter and he let it fall over the railing into the parking lot below. He pulled out another one from the carton in his jacket pocket and tried to light it, but his hands weren't working properly and the lighter just sparked uselessly. He couldn't focus. Maybe the blood loss was finally getting to him.

Skwisgaar, who he'd momentarily forgotten about, pulled out his own lighter and lit it for him. He should have thanked him, but he didn't.

As he took a drag from his new cigarette, Skwisgaar spoke again. "You ams bleedings a lot."

Magnus didn't dignify that with a response.

Skwisgaar sighed and leaned on the railing with his elbows. "I don't knows what I'm supposeds to be sayings."

"Shouldn't you be helping Nathan? Your friend?" _Shouldn't you be helping them kick me out of the band?_

"You's my friends too."

Magnus almost laughed. He breathed out once more, letting the smoke disperse in the night sky. It was starting to get cold.

It was a long while before Skwisgaar spoke again. "This ams... Probablies it for us, right?"

_There was never any 'us'_. "Yeah."

He wasn't expecting Skwisgaar to lean in and kiss him. It took him a long time to figure out what was even happening due to the blood loss, but by the time he had Skwisgaar had already pulled back. It was a shitty kiss; awkward and short. Maybe it was a fitting end, then.

"Sorries."

"I wasn't exactly ready for that."

"Not abouts that, I means..." Skwisgaar gave him a hard look. "Abouts this. You know there ams nothing I can do to stops them."

Magnus sighed. "I know."

It was obvious Skwisgaar would choose the band over him. Magnus wasn't suprised, nor was he disappointed. Skwisgaar's place was with Dethklok. It always had been. He was more suited to be with these idiots more than Magnus had ever been. Those fucking assholes.

He hated them. He hated Skwisgaar. He hated this shitty fucking apartment. He hated everything he'd been subjected to these past few years. He wanted to kiss Skwisgaar again and he was almost about to until Pickles came out onto the porch with them.

"Get in here, dude. We need to tell you somethin'."

This was it, then. Magnus took one last drag and flicked the cigarette over the railing. Skwisgaar gave him one last pitiful look as he made his way back inside of the apartment. Magnus didn't look back at him. All he could see now was Nathan standing there with his arms crossed.

He knew it was over. But Dethklok wouldn't get off easy. He would never forget this. He was never going to let them forget this, either.

He was sure of it.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus continues to have a bad time.

It was a typical weeknight evening. All four of them sat in their shitty excuse for a living room on their old couch and sofas and watched whatever their small TV had to offer. Tonight it happened to be a new episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Everyone was pretty relaxed, as the thermostat kept them nice and cozy during the cold winter nights. Skwisgaar, of course, sat on one of the sofas and was silently fretting his guitar as he idly watched the show.

Then, the phone rang. It never rang.

No one else wanted to move, so Murderface was the one to get it. Of course, not without his usual groaning and complaining that he was expected to do absolutely anything.

"Yeah, hesch here. Who the fuck are you?"

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes at Murderface's terrible phone etiquette, but continued to eavesdrop.

"...Magnusch?"

Skwisgaar almost felt his heart stop as his fingers fumbled over themselves on his guitar. It had been months since he heard his name. And now, apparently, he was calling them. He was probably calling for Skwisgaar. He  couldn't think of any reason Magnus would ask for anyone else.

"Yeah, but he doeschn't want to talk to you, assch hole. Why the fuck--"

Skwisgaar was up on his feet before he really knew it. "Moidaface, gives me the phone," he told him, making his way over to him. He didn't know why he suddenly wanted to talk to him. When Murderface ignored him and continued to argue with Magnus, he snatched the phone out of his hands, earning him a glare from their lazy bassist. He ignored him and brought the phone's receiver up to his face. "Hello?"

"...Skwisgaar?"

He felt his heart skip a beat or two at the sound of his voice. He hadn't heard it in so long. Not since the last night he saw him, the night they kicked him out of the band. They had exchanged some choice words, and Magnus stormed out with everything he owned, and that was that. However, this time it didn't sound like he was calling up to fight.

"Ja." His mouth felt dry.

It was silent on the line, save for the wind he could hear on Magnus' end. Then, he spoke. "Are you busy? I uh, need some help."

"You alrights? What's wrongs?"

"I'm fine. I don't want to get into this over the phone, but do you have any money?"

He was calling him for fucking money? He didn't contact anyone for over three months and when he finally calls, it's him asking for money? And it was Skwisgaar specifically he was asking. He was probably chancing on the fact that Skwisgaar would be the only one who wouldn't hang up on him. He was suddenly aware of the fact that every eye in the room was on him; Will Smith's antics long forgotten.

It felt like an eternity before he answered, and maybe it was. "Not a lot."

He could hear Magnus let out an exasperated sigh. "Look, I didn't want to do this either. I'm just really in a bind here. I wouldn't have bothered you otherwise."

"Where ams you?" He heard himself asking suddenly. He didn't want to continue this conversation on the phone where everyone was listening.

"...I'm at the 7/11 down the road from you guys."

"Just stay theres." Skwisgaar told him, and then he hung up.

He didn't answer any of the questions hurled at him from his bandmates as he went into his room and threw on a jacket from his closet. He then rummaged through the drawer in his nightstand, finding his wallet. He wasn't rich or even well off, but he took out most of the cash in his wallet and shoved it into his jacket pocket. It was only $83, but it was all he had until his next paycheck. He didn't know why he was doing this. But he couldn't pretend he didn't want to see him again.

"Are you coming back?" Nathan asked him when Skwisgaar unlocked the front door. He turned to face him and saw him sitting on one of the sofas, eyeing him down. It was one of his more intimidating looks. He was good at those. Skwisgaar felt like an idiot all at once. Here he was, going out to help the asshole who stabbed Nathan in the back.

"I won'ts be longs," he answered, trying to get out of the apartment as fast as he could before Nathan made him change his mind. Before _he_ changed his mind.

\--

As he turned the corner, the breath caught in his throat when he saw Magnus leaning against his old shitty car in the 7/11 parking lot, arms crossed in his thin jacket (that was actually buttoned up for once) to brace himself against the cold. Skwisgaar saw him before Magnus saw him. Something was wrong. Magnus looked like he'd lost weight, and he was even more gaunt than he was before, which he didn't think was possible. But when Skwisgaar walked up to him and Magnus finally noticed him, he saw what was so fucked up.

"What the fucks happeneds to your eye?" He asked, reaching out to touch his face so he could turn it to see better. Magnus growled and slapped his hand away.

"What do you think happened?" His right eye was fine, the usual dark brown that was nearly black in most light. But his left was milky white, and it didn't seem to focus on anything in particular. All at once he remembered when Nathan beat the shit out of him. He remembered afterwards how swollen and bloody his left eye had been, but he didn't think it would end up like this.

"Cans you... see anythings out of it?"

Magnus just shook his head, clearly not wanting to discuss it further.

They stood there awkwardly for a few moments, Magnus refusing to make eye contact with him. Skwisgaar just looked at him, studying his face and all that had changed. It had only been a few months, so he shouldn't look this bad. Not only was his eye fucked up, but his cheekbones stood out a lot more prominently than they once had. Was he not eating? Was he homeless? He had to have been.

"It's warmer in my car," Magnus finally said, looking like he'd had enough of the cold. "Get in."

And it was. As Skwisgaar got in the passenger's side and closed the door, he felt instant relief at being out of the cold wind. It didn't take him long to see that Magnus' car was a fucking mess.

He decided to ask. "Wheres do you lives now?"

Magnus gestured around them. "You're in it."

He had expected as much. He knew Magnus couldn't move back in, but he felt bad about it. It was obvious he had to move out, but he still didn't want Magnus living out of his car. He asked him more mundane questions, like if he still had his old job. It turned out he still did, but his shit minimum wage job only paid for so much, and it wasn't like he knew anyone else that would let him move in. But without rent, he shouldn't be this desperate for money. He should still have enough to support himself.

Which brought him to finally ask. "Whats do you needs money for?"

Magnus wouldn't look at him. He chewed on his lip, and he almost looked ashamed. Skwisgaar wasn't sure if he was even going to answer him when he finally did what seemed like five minutes later. "Do you know how expensive shit is? Nowadays?"

Skwisgaar didn't understand. But as he watched Magnus fidget some more, he noticed how dark the circles were around his eyes. When it didn't look like Magnus was going to elaborate, he took a shot in the dark.

"Yous not askings for drugs moneys, right?"

Magnus didn't say anything and Skwisgaar shook his head incredulously.

"Yous got to be fuckings kiddings me."

Magnus snapped. "Look, you don't know what it's fucking like! You have somewhere to live and you have people who give a shit about you! I have fucking nothing to do otherwise!"

"Ja, and you wouldn'ts haves this problem if you didn'ts--"

"Don't fucking say it. I know already. It's my own fault. I don't need you fucking reminding me."

Magnus ran a shaky hand through his hair, and Skwisgaar wondered why he was here.

"Whats ams you... doings?"

Magnus sighed, apparently deciding that he no longer had any reason to be discreet. "Heroin."

Skwisgaar just looked at him incredulously. "You ams so fuckings stupid."

He expected Magnus to blow up, but he didn't. His voice was quiet. "I know."

Skwisgaar became acutely aware of the cash he had in his jacket pocket. "I means, yous goings to quit, right? Yous trying, at least?"

Magnus was hesitant to answer, and that was all the answer Skwisgaar needed.

He looked him over again. This was the same man he'd been pining over for months. Now he was a mess. To be fair, he had always been somewhat of a mess. Quick to anger, quick to act impulsively, and quick to fight. He and Skwisgaar fought constantly; at times, it felt like they fought more than anything else. They even fought when they fucked. The only times they didn't is when Magnus was asleep. But still, they had some sort of fucked up chemistry that Skwisgaar lived for, and he didn't know why.

But then he fucking stabbed Nathan. And now he was here, out in the streets and apparently now a junkie. It was hard to take in. He suddenly didn't want to be here anymore.

He took the money out of his pocket and put it on his lap. He didn't care what he did with it anymore. Magnus picked it up and counted it but didn't say anything. Skwisgaar had no idea if it was enough or not.

"I'm not doings this again," He told him.

"I'm sorry." It was probably the first time he ever heard Magnus apologize.

They both sat in strained silence for a while, and Skwisgaar decided he'd had enough. He thought he wanted to be with him, but maybe he didn't. "Ifs you call agains, don't lets it be about moneys." Then his hand was on the door handle, moving to open it.

Magnus reached out and caught his other hand in his, making Skwisgaar stop. He looked down at their hands first, then at Magnus' face. Magnus looked almost as shocked as he felt. He watched him swallow.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "About... this. About all of it." Skwisgaar felt his thumb running across his fingers, and he felt more nervous than he did before. This was never something Magnus did. "I fucked up with us. A lot."

Skwisgaar always knew that was the case, but it was good to hear him admit it. He didn't know what else to do, so he pulled his hand free. He didn't want to be in this car anymore. He finally opened the car door and pulled himself out of Magnus' tiny car. If Magnus was saying anything, he wasn't listening. He didn't want to be here anymore.

He didn't look back when he left the parking lot.

 


	5. Chapter 5

It was eight months before he heard from him again.

It was 11:40pm and the guys were either asleep, getting ready to go to sleep, or in Murderface's case, leaving the apartment to work his graveyard shift stocking at the grocery store. Skwisgaar happened to be in the kitchen raiding the fridge for something to eat and pulled out a bag of oreos when he heard the phone ring. Pickles was passed out on the couch, snoring away. Sighing, Skwisgaar knew he was the one who was going to have to get it, and moved over to where they kept it.

"Hallå?" He answered, balancing the phone between his ear and his shoulder as he opened the seal to the bag of cookies.

"I want to see you."

He almost fucking dropped the entire bag. Magnus' voice was the very last thing he ever expected to hear again.

He stood there for a while, unmoving. Then he realized he hadn't even said anything for nearly a minute. "H-how dids you know it was me?" He asked stupidly.

"Who the fuck else answers the phone in Swedish?"

Right. He forgot.

"I'm going to say this again. I want to see you."

The memories of their last encounter came rushing back to him. "This isn'ts abouts money, right? I tolds you nots to call me abouts thats."

He heard Magnus let out a frustrated groan. "That's not why I'm fucking calling. Look, are you going to come or what?"

"Yous not making me wants to comes when yous keep yellings at me."

"If you think that's me yelling, then we haven't seen each other for longer than I thought."

Neither of them said anything for a while. Skwisgaar could hear wind in the background, so he figured he was outside at another payphone. Like last time.

"Yous nots high, right?"

He laughed. It was a bitter sound. "Do you really think I would have remembered your number if I was?"

"Where ams you?" He heard himself asking.

"Same place. Oh, fucking-- Look, this shit payphone is going to hang me up in a second, so--"

Then all Skwisgaar heard was the dial tone. He sighed heavily and put the phone back on its stand. Was he really going to subject himself to this again? He'd almost completely forgotten about him. He fucking hated him for making him think about him again. Even as he asked himself if it was all worth it, he knew he was going to go down there.

He had almost been happy.

\--

When he turned the corner, he was hit by a familiar sight. Magnus, leaning against his car with his arms crossed, but his shirt was open again. Like it typically had been. It wasn't cold out yet, so he could afford to leave it that way. He looked better than he did last time, at least marginally. He was still gaunt, but it wasn't as extreme as it was last time and the circles around his eyes weren't as harsh as they had been.

When Magnus noticed him, he seemed annoyed. "I was wondering if you were ever going to fucking show up."

"Sorries. Was, ah, eatings." He was mostly pacing around his room weighing the pros and cons of coming here, but he didn't need to know that. Magnus didn't care enough to question it anyway, grumbling something under his breath.

"Get in," Magnus told him as he got into the driver's side. Skwisgaar walked around to the other side and considered sitting in the back instead, but decided against it and resigned to sit in the front.

Skwisgaar noticed his car was a lot cleaner than last time. Still somewhat messy, but it wasn't piled with crap like it had been last time. That had to be a good sign, at least.

"Yous founds somewhere to lives?" He asked warily.

"Yeah." He didn't offer any explanation, so Skwisgaar didn't ask for any. Still, he was relieved to hear it.

Which brought him to his next question. "Yous stills, uh, doings...?"

Magnus let out an exasperated sigh, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I am." He sounded annoyed he would even ask.

"Yous looks better, so I just figureds..."

"Well, I'm eating now, so that's probably why."

He didn't know he had ever stopped, but he wasn't going to push it further. However, now he didn't know what else to talk about. He still didn't know why Magnus had called him down here.

"How's, uh, everyone?" Magnus asked awkwardly. Maybe he was having second thoughts about whatever he had planned.

"Fines. Nathans has some new goilfriend, but that's abouts it. Everythings is the sames, reallies."

Magnus didn't even look like he was listening. Finally, he sighed. "This is stupid."

"Wh--"

"Me calling you. I shouldn't have fucking done it." He rubbed at his temples, letting his eyes fall shut. "I drove through this way on accident, and it made me think about you. About us."

Skwisgaar shook his head. "There was no 'us'. You tolds me a millions time that it didn't means anythings."

"Well, I fucking lied."

Skwisgaar didn't even know what to say.

"I just didn't want to deal with it at the time," He admitted. "You kept asking questions about what we were and I didn't want to answer them. In fact, I _still_ don't want to talk about this."

"That was a fuckings long time ago. Why ams you bringing this up?" When he didn't answer, he went in harder. "Is beings a heroins addicts fucking with yous brain?"

"Fuck you." It was said which such acid that Skwisgaar nearly flinched. Then, he was being pulled by the front of his shirt, Magnus' hand twisted so tightly in the white fabric that it almost hurt.  Their noses and teeth crashed together awkwardly and Skwisgaar's jaw fell open in surprise, and Magnus was quick to use that moment to deepen their kiss. Everything in Skwisgaar's brain was screaming at him to pull away and leave, but he shut it out and adjusted himself into a better angle, kissing him back with a hunger he thought had died out long ago.

They couldn't really get much closer due to the gear shift and cup holder between them, but they made do. Skwisgaar reveled in the noises Magnus made against him as he tangled his fingers in his brown hair tightly, and it all felt so familiar and easy. It was so easy to fall back into this. It was so easy to pretend nothing had changed.

He was starting to feel lightheaded when he remembered that everything had, in fact, changed. There was no doubt in his mind that this was why Magnus called him. He probably hadn't been able to get laid since Skwisgaar and was desperate. He could tell by how long it took Magnus to get into the rhythm of their kiss that that was probably true.

He pulled back and took satisfaction in the sound of protest Magnus made.

"There ams no way we cans fucks in this car."

Magnus cursed under his breath, probably realizing he was right. "What do you think the chances are of Nathan letting me back in the house for the night?"

Skwisgaar gave him a knowing smirk. He didn't even have to answer that one.

It looked like he knew the answer anyway. Magnus let go of him and sat back against his seat, sighing. "Makes me wish I had a fucking van or something."

Skwisgaar figured he wasn't allowed back at his place since he didn't offer, so he didn't ask. That, or he didn't want him seeing the type of shithole he lived in. If his new roommates were letting him do heroin whenever he wanted, he figured it had to have been a seedy place.

The only sounds he could hear was their own breathing as both of them tried to catch their breath. The part of his mind that told him he was an idiot was getting louder. He shouldn't have let him kiss him. Or, he sure as hell shouldn't have kissed him back. All it was doing was renewing this fucked up cycle they had. Skwisgaar was going to get attatched and Magnus was going to brush him off and pretend his feelings didn't exist. Again. He wasn't stupid enough to think that Magnus had changed.

Even now, all he could think of was how much he wanted to kiss him again. Fuck, he was so stupid.

Magnus must have been thinking along the same lines. "Just get in the back."

Almost as soon as they got out and back in the car, Magnus' mouth was on his, pulling him onto his lap as best he could and Skwisgaar tried not to hit his head on the low roof. Now, there was nothing between them. There was crap all over the floor, but it was still better than trying to do this in the front seats. There was just barely enough room for them, seeing as they were both over 6'4" and Magnus drove a tiny crappy sedan.

Skwisgaar pulled back again, and Magnus made another annoyed growl in the back of his throat.

"Cans we keeps doing this? Until we gets tireds of it?"

Magnus was slow to answer, maybe not entirely sure what he was talking about. "Yeah."

Then Magnus pulled him back in with a hand in his hair, probably trying to keep him from moving away again. Skwisgaar wasn't planning to anytime soon.

He would let himself indulge in this fantasy for a little while longer.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Sometimes, Magnus forgot how much he resented Skwisgaar. It was obvious why. Skwisgaar was a smug egotistical prick. His accent was fucking unbearable to listen to most of the time and he was an entitled selfish diva. The thing he hated the most, though, was something he would never admit. Skwisgaar was better than him at guitar.

It got his blood boiling when he would hear Skwisgaar speed through his pentatonic scales faster than he ever could. Magnus had always been the best guitar player around before Skwisgaar. The same bands that had been begging Magnus to play gigs with them were now more interested in Skwisgaar, practically fucking kissing his boots.

He fucking hated that Skwisgaar was so good. Magnus would tell him that he was better than he would ever be and the bastard would fucking smirk at him like he knew that wasn't true. Everyone knew. Everyone fucking knew.

Magnus had been a king. A god. And some fucking asshole from Sweden was going to take that all away from him.

He kissed him into the mattress as hard as he could. He had to. He could feel the urge to strangle him becoming stronger and stronger and this was the only way to stop it. His lips were still bruised from their last session, but he didn't fucking care.

His relationship with Skwisgaar was the same relationship he had with hard drugs. He fucking hated them and what they did to him, but he also couldn't get enough. He needed them. He needed this. He tangled his fingers in Skwisgaar's perfect blonde hair, pulling him as close as he could. He was past the point of pretending he wasn't desperate.

"Jesus christs," Skwisgaar gasped between kisses.

There was that fucking accent again.

Why was he doing this? Why Skwisgaar? Out of everyone in the band, why did it have to be Skwisgaar? He even hated his name.

When he felt Skwisgaar's teeth bite into his lower lip, he couldn't suppress the loud moan that escaped his throat. He needed to fuck him. He wanted Skwisgaar to fuck him so badly.

No, he needed to fuck him. He'd never let Skwisgaar top. He couldn't have this, too.

His hands were shaking. He didn't know why.

"Magnus."

He tried to claim his lips once more, but Skwisgaar firmly stopped him and propped himself up on his elbow.

"Magnus."

"What?!" The word practically exploded out of him.

Skwisgaar looked at him hard. "Ams you high?"

Magnus' eyes finally focused on Skwisgaar, finally understanding what was happening. Now he understood why his hands were shaking. He went to look at the clock next to his bed to see what time it was only to find that there wasn't one.

Then he remembered that he didn't have a clock in his new place.

Everything came rushing back. Everything that had happened during the last few months, including stabbing Nathan and getting kicked out of the band and the apartment. And then, of course, his relapse back into heroin. Of course he was high. He was almost always high.

"Why are you here?" He heard himself asking instead.

Skwisgaar was still looking at him; his piercing eyes still visible in the dark. "You tolds me to stay overs for the nights. You didn'ts wants to drives me home." It was fucking obvious Skwisgaar knew he was high by now. Any idiot would have figured it out, and Skwisgaar _was_ an idiot.

As much as he hated Skwisgaar, he might even have hated himself more in that instant.

"I cans sleeps on the couch if you wants. I don'ts really know--"

"Stay here." The words came out of him faster than he thought they would.

Magnus ran a shaky hand through his hair with a sigh. His breath was uneven. It probably had been like that for a while, but he was only just now noticing it. He didn't know when or why he had decided to get high while Skwisgaar was here. He had probably sneaked off when Skwisgaar was asleep. Like an idiot.

He wasn't expecting Skwisgaar to shift in closer and slide his arms around him to bring him into some form of embrace, pulling him in until Magnus' forehead was against his chest. His arms felt nice on his back. Magnus didn't have any intention of hugging him back. However, he didn't push him off.

"Why the fuck are you doing this?" Magnus asked. Suddenly, he was tired.

"You wants me to stops?"

Magnus didn't answer.

Skwisgaar just held him like that for a while, and Magnus could feel himself calming down. He hated that it helped, but it did. He could hear Skwisgaar yawn, and he idly wondered what time it even was. After midnight, for sure. For some reason, he felt bad about waking Skwisgaar up with this bullshit. He hated that Skwisgaar had to see him like this.

He hated that he felt anything other than hatred towards him. There was a spark of something that he couldn't identify that he felt towards him in this exact instant, and it wasn't disgust. Hating Skwisgaar was the only thing he knew; He didn't know what to do with these new feelings at all.

He pushed it as far out of his mind as he possibly could. He absolutely would not address whatever the fuck that was. He was shaking again, and Skwisgaar just held him tighter.

His face was bleeding or something. It was wet. He didn’t know why.

He needed to quit. He always knew he did, but this time he really meant it. He'd quit once before, but that was nearly fifteen years ago. And now look where he fucking was. Huddled in some douchebag's arms in the middle of the night.

But it was different now. Back then, the last time he'd managed to get off heroin, he'd been nearly twenty. He was young, still. He still had his whole life ahead of him. He had friends. It wasn't like that anymore. The last "friends" he had had was Dethklok and well, that hadn't turned out well at all. The only one who was left was Skwisgaar.

Back then, there had been a reason to quit. But now? He was only thirty-four, but it still seemed like it was too late for him to really get his life back together. He would fucking kill to turn back time.

Some part of him wanted to hold Skwisgaar back, but he wouldn't indulge on it. He looked weak enough as it was. He let his eyelids fall shut.

Fuck, he was so stupid.

He waited to die, but he only fell asleep instead.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end.

It had been about a month or two since their last poignant meeting at a dirty 7/11 parking lot. Since then, Magnus had let Skwisgaar stay at his place. Not often, but sometimes. He wouldn't explicitly say that he could stay over, but he would claim that he didn't want to have to deal with driving him back to Nathan's apartment because it was "too late" or whatever bullshit excuse he would come up with at the time. Either way, it was... well, it wasn't _nice_ , but it was fine. Nothing was ever especially nice when it involved Magnus.

His place sucked. Nathan's apartment sucked too, but Magnus' place was a lot worse. It was in a shitty neighborhood and it smelled all the time. There was crap everywhere and there were always huge piles of dishes in and around the sink that apparently no one bothered enough to clean. Magnus claimed it was his roommate's fault that it was like that, but Skwisgaar never saw any roommate any of the times he had stayed over. There was another room besides Magnus', but the door was always closed. Skwisgaar had a feeling he didn't want to meet whoever his roommate was, anyway.

Skwisgaar never confronted Magnus about his obvious drug problem. It wasn’t like Magnus wasn’t terribly aware of it already, so he didn’t think there was anything he could say. And honestly, he’d sound like a hypocrite. Skwisgaar and the rest of the band had done just about everything at least twice. Pickles, of course, would try everything no less than five times, and he was just fine. Well, that was debatable, but he was mostly fine.

But Magnus wasn’t like Pickles. Skwisgaar wasn’t an idiot, as much as Magnus liked to say otherwise. He was a miserable addict. But at the same time, he didn't think he could just leave him.

He’d half expected the guys to ask him where he was going all the time, but they never seemed to care. He usually always had some type of lie set up in case anyone did ask, but they typically never did. Everyone had their own schedules and had their own thing to do. Also, caring about your friends was gay.

However, the topic of Magnus had come up one night. He still didn’t know what the fuck had prompted it.

“Dude, ya remember when ya used to fuck Magnus?” Pickles had asked one night, sitting on the sofa and cracking open a beer.

“Um, ja.” He couldn’t exactly lie about that. Well, he could, but it wouldn’t be very convincing.

“What was that like? I mean the dude was a psychopathic dick.” Pickles eyes lit up suddenly as he had an idea. “Wait, so he was a dick… Does that mean… Ok, tell me straight, Skwisgaar. Who did the dicking?”

“Ok firsts of alls, I’m nots going to be tellings you that. Seconds of all--”

“It was Magnusch, I bet. No way that guy would let his assch be pounded,” Murderface decided to chime in from the kitchen. Loudly, too. Suddenly, he started snickering. “I bet it wasch a… a tough nut to schwallow when he got kicked out.”

Murderface started cackling alone in the kitchen.

Pickles just looked at him from across the room. “Murderface, I don’t think that’s how the expression goes.”

“What? Yesch it is!”

“Dude, the phrase is ‘a tough pill to swallow’. Not ‘nut’. Where th’ hell did you get that? You made it like, a million times gayer.”

Murderface began to sputter. “It’sch-- That’s the joke! We’re talking about Skwisgaar being gay! Thatsch the whole joke!”

Pickles just shrugged and turned back to Skwisgaar, which made Murderface sigh dramatically and cross his arms.

“So--”

Before Pickles could start what was bound to be an awful question, the front door opened heavily, bringing in both Nathan with a couple bags of groceries and a gust of cold wind. Nobody said anything as he closed the door behind him again, dropping the deadbolt.

“What were you guys talking about?” Nathan asked he dropped the bags of food on the kitchen counter. He didn’t bother to put them on any shelves or anything, and neither did anyone else. The question was posed innocently enough, but something in his voice unnerved him.

“Uh, nothin’,” Pickles lied. As rowdy as they all could be, None of them were stupid enough to mention Magnus was Nathan was around.

“Juscht life. Living life and having a good time,” Murderface added on uselessly.

Nathan just rolled his eyes and headed for his own room, probably to take off his work clothes.

Skwisgaar had often wondered if Nathan had actually heard them.

Skwisgaar didn't know why he woke up on this particular night, but he did. Magnus didn't have a clock or anything anywhere, so he had no idea what time it was, but figured it was past midnight. All at once he realized Magnus wasn't there in bed with him.

He sat up. He could see the bathroom from the bed and it was empty. No lights were on in the apartment, either. Did he fucking leave? He let his eyes adjust to the darkness and got out of the tiny shitty bed, the mattress squeaking as he did so. He figured that maybe Magnus was on the couch or something. He really didn't want to be alone in this area.

He peered around the main room as best as he could in the dark. He wasn't on the couch. He was about to turn back when he saw something huddled up in the far corner. His pulse quickened. It couldn't be. He edged his way closer, but whatever it was didn't move. When he was close enough, he kneeled down. He was slouched against the wall, his knees up against his chest.

"Magnus." For there was no doubt that it was him now that he was close enough. His voice seemed too loud in the still of the night, but Magnus didn't look at him. He didn't look at anything, really. Skwisgaar was getting worried, now. He called him again, shaking him by the shoulders this time, but there was still no response.

Fearing the worst, he grabbed his wrist and felt for a pulse. He felt his own heart stop when he couldn't find one, but realized he didn't have his fingers in the right spot. He adjusted and felt for it again, and let out a sigh of relief when he found it. It was weak, but it was still there. He probably could have just listened to him to see if he was breathing, but this seemed like the best thing to do.

"What the fucks did you does?" He asked him uselessly. The clouds had shifted and moonlight was making its way through the room so he was seeing more and more clearly.

"Hey." Skwisgaar nearly jumped out of his own skin when he heard Magnus speak. It was quiet, nearly a whisper, but he still heard it. Magnus was looking past him. He didn't say anything else.

Skwisgaar noticed the needle a few feet away and his heart sunk into his stomach, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Yous ams such a goddamns fucking idiot."

Magnus didn't respond, and Skwisgaar now didn't know what he was fucking supposed to do. It was clear to him now that Magnus had overdosed like a moron, but he didn't know when. He was still breathing, but was it too late? Could he get him to a hospital on time? He got to his feet and searched the top of the kitchen counters for Magnus' car keys, as he usually left them there once they got into the house. Eventually he felt the cool metal key ring in his hand, and he could breathe again. Now he had to figure out how he was going to move a six and a half foot tall idiot all the way into the car.

It took some maneuvering, but he managed to get Magnus arm around his shoulder and get him onto his feet. He sagged against him and Skwisgaar had to use all his upper body strength to keep him up. He really wished he worked out more, or at all. This might be a lot easier if he did.

"No." Again, he was barely audible. Skwisgaar didn't know why he said it.

"This woulds be a lot easiers if you useds your fuckings feet." He didn't think Magnus could hear or understand him, but he figured he'd tell him anyway. He'd carried Magnus a few feet, but it was already becoming too much for him to do alone.

Apparently, Magnus could understand him. He didn't seem to know how to walk right now, but he was trying. It made things a lot easier. Soon, they were out the door, and Skwisgaar couldn't figure out which key locked his apartment. He didn't know why he had so many fucking keys. He would have left without doing it given the situation, but he figured that in this shitty of an area that he should take the extra time to do it unless Magnus wanted to have everything stolen. It felt like forever, but he finally found the stupid key and he locked the door.

Magnus' car wasn't parked very far at all, and Skwisgaar tossed him into the back seat, watching as he slumped over and lied down. Once Skwisgaar got into the front seat, he tried to think about where the hospital even was in this town. He had a vague idea, at least. He started up the ignition and looked back at Magnus again, just hoping he wasn't too late.

\--

It had been many hours since Magnus was admitted, and for lack of anything else to do, Skwisgaar waited in the waiting room the entire time. Nobody gave him any updates, so he was in the dark. There was really nothing for him to do except look at old magazines or let his mind run crazy with hypotheticals like Magnus dying, so he did the former. He couldn't really read any English so he didn't know what he was looking at, but he tried anyway. Again, he had nothing else to do.

When a nurse finally came up to him, Skwisgaar couldn't stop himself. "Ams he alrights?" He should have been embarrassed about how desperate he sounded, but he wasn't.

She smiled at him gently. "He's just waking up, if you want to see him."

Skwisgaar was on his feet within seconds and let the nurse lead him to whatever room they kept him in.

\--

Skwisgaar couldn't describe how relieved he was when he saw Magnus awake and alert in the hospital bed. He had an IV hooked up to him, but looked a lot better than he had when he originally brought him in here. As he made his way over to him and Magnus noticed him, he wasn't expecting Magnus' mood to darken so quickly.

"You." It was said with such acid that Skwisgaar faltered. "You fucking brought me here. Why the fuck did you do that?"

Skwisgaar was at a loss for words. Then, he found his voice. "You was fuckings dyings? You OD's?"

"Don't you think I knew that?"

He didn't know what to say. At Skwisgaar's silence, Magnus let out an exasperated sigh and ran a hand through his hair. "I fucking know I OD'd. It was intentional."

"Why the fucks ams you tryings to kill yourself?"

"How's life with Dethklok, huh? With your new guitarist? You guys are really getting popular, aren't you?" Skwisgaar didn't respond, and Magnus got more agitated than he was before. "Don't you fucking get it? That should have been my life. I should be the one moving up in the ranks. But now I just live in the fucking slums as a nobody, and I won't even be allowed there at the end of the month."

That threw him for a loop. "Whats? Why?"

Magnus shook his head. "My roommate went out one night and never came back. I can't afford both of our fucking rent payments. I have until the end of the month to get out before they call the cops on me for not paying."

"Why didn'ts you just ask mes? You know we ams makings a lot of moneys now, I could have--"

"I'm not supposed to ask you for money."

Oh. Right.

Skwisgaar stepped in closer and Magnus glared at him all the while. "Looks, I wants to help you."

"If you did, you would have fucking left me there."

"Ands if yous really wanteds to die, you wouldn'ts have lets me sleep over last nights."

Magnus didn't have anything to say to that, and Skwisgaar knew he was right.

"Ams this because we ams still... seeings... each others?" Skwisgaar didn't know what their 'relationship' was considered, and he had a feeling Magnus didn't know either. "Ams I remindings you too much of the bands? I means, there's nothings I can do for you in regardings to that."

Magnus looked tired, now. He ran another hand through his hair. They sat in a tense silence for a while until he finally spoke up. "We should stop."

Skwisgaar took a little while to respond. "You means, ah...?"

"All of it. Whatever the fuck it is that we're doing. Obviously this isn't working out."

This wasn't what Skwisgaar wanted. Not at all.

Magnus could sense his unease. "Look, this isn't about you. Well, I mean, it kind of is. But it's mostly that I don't know how to fucking deal with you considering you're in the band that kicked me out. Every time I think I'm OK with it, I see you and Dethklok is all I can fucking think about." He sighed and rubbed at his temples. "It's best this way, alright? I know you're fucking mad, but--"

"I'm not leavings you when yous like this." Skwisgaar told him firmly. "What ams stoppings you from doings this again? You obviouslies needs someones to helps yous."

"I'm going to fucking rehab." Magnus gave him a second to process that. "If everything's good or whatever afterwards, I'll let you know. But, right now-"

"You'll lets me know." Skwisgaar scoffed mockingly. "Whats, like a millions years laters? Like how you always have beens doing?"

"See, I knew you would be fucking mad. Look, I'm just saying that this shit isn't going to work out right now. But later, maybe..." He let himself drift off. It was obvious he wasn't making any promises.

"You expectings me to waits for a fuckings ingrate?" Skwisgaar asked him incredulously. "You reallies thinks I am goings to sit arounds and wait for yous to finally realize you ams an idiot?"

At Magnus' stunned silence, he continued.

"I'm not goings to let you keep doing this to me. I justs wanteds to helps you, and you keeps being an assholes and takings me for granted. You's never once saids 'thank you' for anythings I do for yous." Letting his anger get the best of him, he laughed bitterly. "You knows, I had reallies begans to like you."

Skwisgaar let his confession sit there in the open air, regretting it the second he said it. The regret was only multiplied ten-fold when Magnus couldn't say anything back as he looked down at his hands that were folded across his lap. He never cared about him, and he probably never would.

Skwisgaar knew it would be like this when he got into it, but he had fooled himself into thinking that something might change. That Magnus might actually grow a heart. But he never fucking would.

Magnus was starting to say something when the nurse came back in apologetically. "I'm sorry, but visiting hours are over."

Skwisgaar finally tore his eyes off of Magnus' useless form and turned to leave. When he was at the door, he heard Magnus call out his name softly. It sounded so unlike him. Weak and defeated.

He turned the handle and left.

 

Magnus never called back.


End file.
